Genesis Chapters 16-19

Genesis 16-19

In this post:  Abraham bangs the maid and has a bastard son named Ishmael, God shows that he is pro-slavery as well as supportive of beating and raping your slaves, Abraham goes on a circumcision bender, God has a bit of fun with Genocide, and Biblical family values on display.

Chapter 16

The First Key Party

The First Key Party

This chapter opens with Sarai feeling bad that she hasn’t given Abram any children (16:1), so she comes up with the idea of letting Abram impregnate her maid.  Abram is fine with the idea so he and the maid Hagar get it on and she gets pregnant. Years later, when the Governor of California does this people lose their minds over it, but Abraham does it and he’s a great man.  Go figure.  

Anyway, when Hagar learns that she’s pregnant she gets upset, probably over Sarai pimping her out to Abram. (16:2-4)

Sarai whines to Abram about Hagar’s attitude.  Abram tells Sarai that Hagar belongs to her so she can do what she wants to with her, so Sarai beats her pregnant servant like any good slave owner would, and Hagar runs away. (16:5-6)

God tracks Hagar down and tells her to go back to her mistress so she can be beaten some more and have more kids.  He then tells her that the bastard she’s carrying will be a boy named Ishmael, and that he will be a wild man.  So Hagar does as she’s told and goes back. (16:7-14)

When she gets back Ishmael is born.  He is born in 1952 BC when Abram is 86 years old. (16:15-16)

Chapter 17

13 years later, in 1939 BC, God comes back to visit with Abram, and after bragging about how wonderful he is, he changes Abram’s name to Abraham, and offers him a deal. (17:1-5)

God says he will give Abraham many kids, some of whom will be kings, and that these kids, and their offspring, and so on will rule over the lands of Canaan forever.  In return, God wants a bunch of foreskins.  Abraham, his sons, and every man slave or free in his kingdom must have their foreskin cut off for God, and from then on every male baby must have his foreskin cut off when he turns eight days old.  Anyone who doesn’t give up his foreskin will be cut off from God.(17:6-14) It is never explained why God has such a foreskin fetish,

Then God says that Abraham has to change the spelling of his wife’s name from Sarai to Sarah, and that he will give him a son through her. (17:15-16)

Abraham laughed to himself about the idea of him having a son with his 90 year old wife when he’s 96.  But, God says it will happen and that they will call him Isaac, and he will grow up to be a great king in good standing with God. (17:17-19)

God then says that Abraham’s slave bastard will do well also, but not as well as Isaac, and then he leaves. (17:20-22)

So, Abraham rushes home and starts cutting off everyone’s foreskin.  He cuts off his foreskin, Ishmael’s foreskin, all his subjects’ foreskins, and all his slaves’ foreskins.  It’s one big foreskin party. (17:23-27)

Chapter 18

This chapter starts out with Abraham lounging on the porch of his tent with God, when three men suddenly appear in front of him.  It seems that the men are angels and Abraham immediately offers to wash their feet and feed them. The men look at him and say “…So do, as thou hast said (18:1-5) So, we have hungry, uppity angels, with dirty feet.  Abraham has Sarah and one of his cowboys fix up a nice meal for his guests and they chow. (18:6-9)

After the angels eat, they, God, Sarah, and Abraham have a discussion about how Sarah will soon have a child even though she is old and has gone through menopause (18:10-15), then the  Angels, and God get up and head toward Sodom and Abraham walks with them. (18:16)

God decides to tell Abraham about the destruction he has planned for Sodom and Gomorrah.  Abraham asks if he intends to kill the good people along with the bad, and he and God start haggling about the number of good people it will take to spare the rest; God really wants to kill these people, but Abraham not so much.  So, after some negotiation, God says that if he can find 10 good people he will let the rest live, but if not then they all die. Then God goes his way and Abraham goes home. (18:17-33)

Chapter 19

This chapter starts with Lot lounging at the Sodom city gate when two of the angels that we saw earlier come by. Lot convinces them to come to his house and have dinner and spend the night (19:1-3)  What happened to the third guy is never mentioned.  As they are getting ready for bed, a crowd of people surround the house and demand that Lot turn over his guests to them.  Lot goes outside and says that he can’t give them his guests, but he’ll give them his two virgin daughters to rape if they want. (19:4-8) The crowd turns down Lot’s offer and rushes the door. (19:9)

426px-Sodoma_-_Aldegrever (1)The angels grab Lot, pull him inside and strike the crowd blind. (19:10-11) Then they tell Lot that he needs to get his family and all his stuff and leave the city, because God doesn’t like the people here and they are here to destroy them. (19:12-13)  So, Lot tells his sons-in-law about it and they don’t listen. (19:14)

When morning rolls around the angels tell Lot to grab his wife and the two girls that he had offered up for rape and leave so they won’t get killed with everyone else.  So, they all hold hands and leave the city. (19:15-16)

Once outside the city, the angels tell them to run for their lives, not to look back, and escape to the mountains. But Lot is scared of a monster or something getting him in the mountains, so they decide that he can go to a small nearby town named Zoar and be safe there, and by sunrise Lot and his family are in Zoar. (19:17-23)

479px-Albrecht_Dürer_054So, with Lot out of the way God sent fire and hot rocks down on Sodom and Gomorrah as well as the rest of the area around them destroying all the cities and towns in the area as well as all the people, plants, and animals (19:24-25)  It can be assumed that there were no more than 9 babies in the whole mess, because God had said 10 would stop it all.  So, 9 dead babies is OK, at least to God.

Lot’s wife got a little nosey and looked back (she probably heard all the babies screaming).  God promptly turned her into a pillar of salt. (19:26) Here we learn that God doesn’t like witnesses to his massacres.

When Abraham got up that morning he saw all the smoke and destruction, but wasn’t turned to salt. (19:27-29)

Lot decides that he doesn’t trust God’s promise about being safe in Zoar, and heads for the mountains where he finds a nice cozy cave for him and his daughters (19:30)

Once settled in the cave, the daughters began talking about how there aren’t any men around for them to have sex with. So, they decide to get their old man drunk and that the oldest girl will have sex with him. (19:31-32)

A Family That Plays Together...Is Sick

A Family That Plays Together…Is Sick

So Lot gets stupid drunk and bangs his oldest daughter. The next night the youngest has her turn with her drunk father. and both girls end up pregnant. It seems that Lot was quite a horn-dog when he drank, and would have sex with anything that got near him, including his virgin daughters. (19:33-36)

The first girl’s son became the father of all Moabites, and the second girl’s son became the father of all of Ammon. (19:37-38)

Next time:  We find out Abraham’s dirty little secret, Abraham lies again and makes money off of it, Isaac is born, Hagar gets uppity again, Abraham tries to kill one kid and the other almost dies due to neglect, and Sarah dies.  A good time to be had for all.  I hope you will join me.  Ron.

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